I haven't. Since all this Cancer shit started back in October. I haven't really broke down in the tears that I know are behind my eyes.
Oh sure, I've dripped a few here and a few there, but I have not broken down.
I've been able to maintain.
It ain't easy. And I ain't handling it well. I'm a freakin mess.
I haven't slept in over a month. I haven't been able to use my CPAP because my right sinus has been messed up since October. Can't even get into see the ENT for another week. Tired of my ear and throat hurting.
The stress. The pressure. The questions. Oh dear lord with the freakin questions!
I'm doing everything I can to distract myself and just tune out the pain, sadness, relief, whatever it is that I'm trying to hold back.
I'm laughing. I'm joking. I'm playing Wii. Drinking. Watching lots of TV. Playing online.
But it's always there.
That flood of emotion that is trying to break out and control me. I can't let it. I can't let this beat me down.
I feel lost. I am so numb I'm just going through motions anymore. But in the meantime, I'm going to keep faking it as much as I can because my misery, sadness, stress, depression, all of it is mine. I own it. And I can force it to do what I want.
For now.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Running in place
I know, I know, we all are... someday I'll catch up with myself and life will be grand.
Scott is recovering from his surgery well. He's still sore and can't lift heave objects. But that's alright. We're managing. We have been to the oncologist/radiologist and the Doc is amazing. He starts his radiation treatments on Dec. 7. Supposedly after 10 treatments (2 weeks every week day), this cancer should be eliminated. That's the consensus of the docs. The cancer he has is supposedly destroyed by radiation so that's a plus. Crossing our fingers that will be all he needs. Then just regular check-ups for a few years to follow up.
I'm getting over the nastiest crud I've had in forever. I'm FINALLY feeling better, and I got sick over Halloween weekend! My right ear has been so stuffed up, I can't hear a damn thing out of it. Finally got the doc to see me last week, they flushed it, and I now have a nasal spray to use 2x a day, and it should hopefully go away in a few more days. But heck, I'm tired of not hearing anything!
Seriously cancelling Christmas. Money is so tight, I worry about even spending $0.65 on a pretzel!! It's been real difficult on one income. Scott can't work (obviously) and unemployment ran out. Luckily on THAT front, we JUST found out he is eligible for another extension. So the past few months of no unemployment sucked ass, but now we can catch up a little bit. Or at least get the phone calls to stop.
In the meantime, dealing with lifes intricacies. Ya know, bills, cars breaking down, animals that puke and shit everywhere, and piss on my PJ's every night. ::Sigh::
S'alright. I got my meds renewed. Now just to get them in the freakin mail before I lose my shit!
PS. I MAJOR ROCK. I've lost 68lbs this year!! WOOHOO ME!! Yeah!!
Scott is recovering from his surgery well. He's still sore and can't lift heave objects. But that's alright. We're managing. We have been to the oncologist/radiologist and the Doc is amazing. He starts his radiation treatments on Dec. 7. Supposedly after 10 treatments (2 weeks every week day), this cancer should be eliminated. That's the consensus of the docs. The cancer he has is supposedly destroyed by radiation so that's a plus. Crossing our fingers that will be all he needs. Then just regular check-ups for a few years to follow up.
I'm getting over the nastiest crud I've had in forever. I'm FINALLY feeling better, and I got sick over Halloween weekend! My right ear has been so stuffed up, I can't hear a damn thing out of it. Finally got the doc to see me last week, they flushed it, and I now have a nasal spray to use 2x a day, and it should hopefully go away in a few more days. But heck, I'm tired of not hearing anything!
Seriously cancelling Christmas. Money is so tight, I worry about even spending $0.65 on a pretzel!! It's been real difficult on one income. Scott can't work (obviously) and unemployment ran out. Luckily on THAT front, we JUST found out he is eligible for another extension. So the past few months of no unemployment sucked ass, but now we can catch up a little bit. Or at least get the phone calls to stop.
In the meantime, dealing with lifes intricacies. Ya know, bills, cars breaking down, animals that puke and shit everywhere, and piss on my PJ's every night. ::Sigh::
S'alright. I got my meds renewed. Now just to get them in the freakin mail before I lose my shit!
PS. I MAJOR ROCK. I've lost 68lbs this year!! WOOHOO ME!! Yeah!!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
To you...
Dear bitch that is about to make my holidays miserable,
Back off. This has been the worst year ever for me health wise. Now my husband has cancer. I know you hate me and think I'm selfish and a loser, among other nasty things, but that's a stupid opinion of someone who doesn't know me.
I just flat out think you're a raging bitch with mental problems who needs help.
I know you stalk my blog and I hope you see this. Because it's to YOU. YOU know who you are.
Back off. Be the bigger 'Woman' and let me have a nice holiday. GO AWAY.
With no love in my heart, and a shank strapped to my shoe (which I'm not afraid to use),
Me
Back off. This has been the worst year ever for me health wise. Now my husband has cancer. I know you hate me and think I'm selfish and a loser, among other nasty things, but that's a stupid opinion of someone who doesn't know me.
I just flat out think you're a raging bitch with mental problems who needs help.
I know you stalk my blog and I hope you see this. Because it's to YOU. YOU know who you are.
Back off. Be the bigger 'Woman' and let me have a nice holiday. GO AWAY.
With no love in my heart, and a shank strapped to my shoe (which I'm not afraid to use),
Me
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Filter? I don't need no stinkin Filter!
The other day, the beautiful amazing CheekySweetie wrote a little post about what it was like to meet me in person. I cracked up so damn hard, cause it's true.
And then I saw Queen Hilly's comment on CheekySweetie's post - "Shannon is missing a filter" is the best way to describe her, LOL. That was a moment that it kinda really hit me. Huh. It's funny, and I've always know it but.. why..
It's true. I don't have a filter. I'll say what I'm thinking no matter what. It gets me into trouble regularly. People don't like it when you have an opinion or when yours doesn't match theirs.
It's taken me years, and I mean YEARS to learn to shut my mouth. And it wasn't an easy learning experience. I've lost friends and jobs over my big ass filterless mouth.
But put me in a room of people that I am comfortable with? Where I feel ok to be ME, the true real ME... there is no such thing as a filter. This is good with small gatherings of people, but not so good when meeting big groups of 'new' people. Which has led to my serious social anxiety issues. Why I stay away from people. Why I don't like going out. Why I find it very difficult to make friends. Why when I do meet new people, I feel really fake, cause that filter may not be on, but my tongue is being bit hard. Well, I try at least.
I also swear alot. I don't seem to much when I write posts, but it does happen. My hubs swears too. Probably not as much as me though.
Now put us both in a room with the grandparents, a bunch of kids, and he has what he calls "the switch". He turns it off, and somehow just never swears! Me on the other hand spend most of the night apologizing for my language. I try. I just don't have the switch.
Today I read a post at Queen Hilly's. The title intrigued me quite a bit to start.. Messiahs Need People Dying in their Name. This woman is wise beyond her years. I am glad I have met her in person and read her blog through her growth and struggles to become an even more amazing woman then ever. This post blew my mind. It really hit home.
It's then I realized that I don't have filters because I used to be the victim. I used to cry and blame. Then it came to me that there was nothing anyone could do to me that I DIDN'T LET THEM DO TO ME.
Off went the gloves and fight for life began. And in that fight, I learned never to hold back.
I've fought a good fight. I've come out ahead. I feel great about myself, who I am, my life (except for the cancer shit going on right now), and I like ME. No. I LOVE ME.
And I love that I don't need filters. I don't play games, I don't BS, and I'll tell you straight to your face what I think, no holds barred.
If you can't handle people like that, then I am not for you.
But in the meantime I am just what CheekySweetie loves. And I love that she loves that about me too.
Besides, filters are for coffee pots and pools.
And then I saw Queen Hilly's comment on CheekySweetie's post - "Shannon is missing a filter" is the best way to describe her, LOL. That was a moment that it kinda really hit me. Huh. It's funny, and I've always know it but.. why..
It's true. I don't have a filter. I'll say what I'm thinking no matter what. It gets me into trouble regularly. People don't like it when you have an opinion or when yours doesn't match theirs.
It's taken me years, and I mean YEARS to learn to shut my mouth. And it wasn't an easy learning experience. I've lost friends and jobs over my big ass filterless mouth.
But put me in a room of people that I am comfortable with? Where I feel ok to be ME, the true real ME... there is no such thing as a filter. This is good with small gatherings of people, but not so good when meeting big groups of 'new' people. Which has led to my serious social anxiety issues. Why I stay away from people. Why I don't like going out. Why I find it very difficult to make friends. Why when I do meet new people, I feel really fake, cause that filter may not be on, but my tongue is being bit hard. Well, I try at least.
I also swear alot. I don't seem to much when I write posts, but it does happen. My hubs swears too. Probably not as much as me though.
Now put us both in a room with the grandparents, a bunch of kids, and he has what he calls "the switch". He turns it off, and somehow just never swears! Me on the other hand spend most of the night apologizing for my language. I try. I just don't have the switch.
Today I read a post at Queen Hilly's. The title intrigued me quite a bit to start.. Messiahs Need People Dying in their Name. This woman is wise beyond her years. I am glad I have met her in person and read her blog through her growth and struggles to become an even more amazing woman then ever. This post blew my mind. It really hit home.
It's then I realized that I don't have filters because I used to be the victim. I used to cry and blame. Then it came to me that there was nothing anyone could do to me that I DIDN'T LET THEM DO TO ME.
Off went the gloves and fight for life began. And in that fight, I learned never to hold back.
I've fought a good fight. I've come out ahead. I feel great about myself, who I am, my life (except for the cancer shit going on right now), and I like ME. No. I LOVE ME.
And I love that I don't need filters. I don't play games, I don't BS, and I'll tell you straight to your face what I think, no holds barred.
If you can't handle people like that, then I am not for you.
But in the meantime I am just what CheekySweetie loves. And I love that she loves that about me too.
Besides, filters are for coffee pots and pools.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Cause the Crud just isn't enough...
Just so you all know I have been very absent from the internet the past week. No Twitter, FB, email or blogs... and this is most likely to continue over the next few weeks.
Last Monday, October 26th, my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer. We spent the week very stressed, scared and freaked out. No surprise there.
Thursday morning we went to the hospital to remove the rotten nut (it's the left one). The surgery went very well the surgeon said he got all the masses removed. We then spent the next 6 hours waiting for a CAT scan and results. About 8:30pm the surgeon called asking for the CAT results, which were not in, he flipped and called them direct and got the results he was asking for immediately. The CAT scan was clear. We were sent home at 9pm.
I had a sore throat Wednesday & Thursday but was plowing through it all because I had to be there for Scott. That was the most important thing to me.
When we finally got home, had scripts, and were 'relaxed' I looked at Scott and said "Can I be sick now?" He laughed and said sure.
That was it for me. I spent the next 3 days in bed or on the couch working from home. Monday I went to doc. Thankfully, I'm kosher - no swine. Just a 'regular' flu. Of course by Monday, Scott had it too. So we got our antibiotics, dosed up and spent more time in bed, sleeping and watching tv.
I'm not better yet, but I'm past contagious and able to function again. Except my ears are so clogged I can barely hear anything.
Last night the surgeon called about 'the testicle'. Scott has cancer. It's the least aggressive type of testicular cancer, but he does have it and it is most likely in his lymph nodes. The CAT scan doesn't show them because of where they are positioned.
Monday we go to the doctor for a follow up on surgery. And to discuss radiation treatments. According to doc, this cancer is very treatable, and can be taken care of with lose dose radiation treatments.
If the lose dose treatments work, it is less then 15% likely the cancer will return. This can and will be beaten. The doc is VERY positive and keeps telling Scott he will be fine, we got it early enough. That's good to hear.
In the meantime with all the stress of home life, and our house having fallen apart in the past week, living in a giant cat box is so much fun, I give you the following.
**Scott did not come up with all of these, those are noted. And you may think we're irreverent and crazy, well, if you didn't, you don't know me. Sometimes you GOTTA laugh or all that happens is tears. ***
SCOTT'S BALLISM'S
Damn, I'm gonna have to change my vernacular to "My BALL itches!"
I can never tell anyone to lick my left testicle again.
I'm glad I'm married and don't have to explain why I have 1 ball when I meet women. (Hockeybuddy added: that 'waiting' period for them to find out on their own would be very uncomfortable)
Guess I won't have to adjust THEM anymore. I mean how do you adjust one. Wouldn't it just be in the right spot all the time?
Should I get a prosthetic?
Hockeybuddy said: Will it throw you off balance when you walk? Will you walk tilted?
What is the sound of one ball slapping? (added: More like a bass drum I bet - I'll find out!)
I was worried if they took both and someone kicked me in the balls, I'd be like SORRY DUDE! and then kick his ass. Heck, if they only take one, guys got a 50-50 chance, how funny would it be to say "Dude, you missed! HA!" then kick his ass.
Guess pocket pinball is out of the question, thank god I grew out of that a long time ago.
If you're cutting out my nut, you OWE me percosets.
Damn Phillies better win this World Series, I'm losing my nut over it!
I would like to thank EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU who have taken my texts in stride, sent prayers, sacrificed chickens, burnt candles, kicked dogs and just been THERE for me this past week. I appreciate every single one of you more then you can imagine. This little paragraph is in no way the best way to thank you all. Without you, I don't even know what state of mind I'd be in.
So take the Ballism's in stride with life. Shit happens. And we'll take it one day at a time.
Until next time - think good thoughts for the whole world. We all need them.
Last Monday, October 26th, my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer. We spent the week very stressed, scared and freaked out. No surprise there.
Thursday morning we went to the hospital to remove the rotten nut (it's the left one). The surgery went very well the surgeon said he got all the masses removed. We then spent the next 6 hours waiting for a CAT scan and results. About 8:30pm the surgeon called asking for the CAT results, which were not in, he flipped and called them direct and got the results he was asking for immediately. The CAT scan was clear. We were sent home at 9pm.
I had a sore throat Wednesday & Thursday but was plowing through it all because I had to be there for Scott. That was the most important thing to me.
When we finally got home, had scripts, and were 'relaxed' I looked at Scott and said "Can I be sick now?" He laughed and said sure.
That was it for me. I spent the next 3 days in bed or on the couch working from home. Monday I went to doc. Thankfully, I'm kosher - no swine. Just a 'regular' flu. Of course by Monday, Scott had it too. So we got our antibiotics, dosed up and spent more time in bed, sleeping and watching tv.
I'm not better yet, but I'm past contagious and able to function again. Except my ears are so clogged I can barely hear anything.
Last night the surgeon called about 'the testicle'. Scott has cancer. It's the least aggressive type of testicular cancer, but he does have it and it is most likely in his lymph nodes. The CAT scan doesn't show them because of where they are positioned.
Monday we go to the doctor for a follow up on surgery. And to discuss radiation treatments. According to doc, this cancer is very treatable, and can be taken care of with lose dose radiation treatments.
If the lose dose treatments work, it is less then 15% likely the cancer will return. This can and will be beaten. The doc is VERY positive and keeps telling Scott he will be fine, we got it early enough. That's good to hear.
In the meantime with all the stress of home life, and our house having fallen apart in the past week, living in a giant cat box is so much fun, I give you the following.
**Scott did not come up with all of these, those are noted. And you may think we're irreverent and crazy, well, if you didn't, you don't know me. Sometimes you GOTTA laugh or all that happens is tears. ***
SCOTT'S BALLISM'S
Damn, I'm gonna have to change my vernacular to "My BALL itches!"
I can never tell anyone to lick my left testicle again.
I'm glad I'm married and don't have to explain why I have 1 ball when I meet women. (Hockeybuddy added: that 'waiting' period for them to find out on their own would be very uncomfortable)
Guess I won't have to adjust THEM anymore. I mean how do you adjust one. Wouldn't it just be in the right spot all the time?
Should I get a prosthetic?
Hockeybuddy said: Will it throw you off balance when you walk? Will you walk tilted?
What is the sound of one ball slapping? (added: More like a bass drum I bet - I'll find out!)
I was worried if they took both and someone kicked me in the balls, I'd be like SORRY DUDE! and then kick his ass. Heck, if they only take one, guys got a 50-50 chance, how funny would it be to say "Dude, you missed! HA!" then kick his ass.
Guess pocket pinball is out of the question, thank god I grew out of that a long time ago.
If you're cutting out my nut, you OWE me percosets.
Damn Phillies better win this World Series, I'm losing my nut over it!
I would like to thank EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU who have taken my texts in stride, sent prayers, sacrificed chickens, burnt candles, kicked dogs and just been THERE for me this past week. I appreciate every single one of you more then you can imagine. This little paragraph is in no way the best way to thank you all. Without you, I don't even know what state of mind I'd be in.
So take the Ballism's in stride with life. Shit happens. And we'll take it one day at a time.
Until next time - think good thoughts for the whole world. We all need them.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Everything is as ok as it can be
So Scott's surgery was very successful, surgeon believes he got it all and it was early enough that it hadn't spread. After 12 hours at the hospital, CAT scan came back clean and we were sent home.
Friday, I got sick. I'm still sick. I could barely get out of bed for 3 days, so sorry for not updating sooner. Trying to get to see my doc today. Hope I'm not swined.
He goes back for some more testing and follow up next week. Hopefully he's not getting the crud I have cause it sucks ass.
And on that update, I'm going back to bed. Well, laying on the couch for now.
Friday, I got sick. I'm still sick. I could barely get out of bed for 3 days, so sorry for not updating sooner. Trying to get to see my doc today. Hope I'm not swined.
He goes back for some more testing and follow up next week. Hopefully he's not getting the crud I have cause it sucks ass.
And on that update, I'm going back to bed. Well, laying on the couch for now.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
My husband has a rotten nut
Yes, you read that right, he's got a bad nut.
About a month ago he felt a lump in his left testicle. He went to the doctor and was put on medication to see if that reduced it. It got bigger.
He had an ultrasound on Thursday at 4pm. By 5pm the doctor was on the phone with him telling him he needed to see a specialist immediately, and wanted him to go Friday. Being unemployed almost 2 years, he couldn't go Friday as he had a day of work scheduled and we need the money badly.
His appointment was at 1pm yesterday afternoon. The doctor told him that the left testicle had to be removed immediately. Testicular Cancer. The evil C word.
On Thursday, we say goodbye to the bad nut. He will be laid up at least 6-8 weeks. He has no more unemployment coming in, and was just about to talk about getting hired FT perm at the place he has been doing a few jobs for over the past few months.
Now, he can't do that.
While we are stressed and concerned about the bad nut, we know that this is treatable. They are almost sure it hasn't spread and will do a cat scan immediately after the surgery (well, same day) to make sure.
Testicular Cancer is very treatable, and it is rare that it comes back after it is removed.
Right now my concern is on getting him through the surgery, and immediate recovery period.
As soon as the weekend is over, I'm going to lose my shit.
That's when I'm going to start freakin over money. There is no way we can live on my salary alone. Will we lose our house? What bills aren't going to get paid? How much are we going to end up in collections? Christmas is definately cancelled.
Any and all visiting/travel, etc that I was hoping to do over the next few months is cancelled. If we started to make plans, my sincere apologies, I can't do it at all right now. I have to figure out how to pay the mortgage and keep gas in my car.
I can't even afford to go to my therapist anymore.
Sigh.
One day at a time.
I won't be blogging much over the next week, but I will post a shortie on Friday on how the surgery went and how he is doing.
Thank you everyone who took my phone calls yesterday, and the texts, tweets and DM's that I received were amazing. I am involved in one of the most amazing communities ever.
In the meantime, at least he has a good attitude about the whole thing. Except he has to train himself to say My ball itches, instead of balls. Oh well. Least of our worries.
About a month ago he felt a lump in his left testicle. He went to the doctor and was put on medication to see if that reduced it. It got bigger.
He had an ultrasound on Thursday at 4pm. By 5pm the doctor was on the phone with him telling him he needed to see a specialist immediately, and wanted him to go Friday. Being unemployed almost 2 years, he couldn't go Friday as he had a day of work scheduled and we need the money badly.
His appointment was at 1pm yesterday afternoon. The doctor told him that the left testicle had to be removed immediately. Testicular Cancer. The evil C word.
On Thursday, we say goodbye to the bad nut. He will be laid up at least 6-8 weeks. He has no more unemployment coming in, and was just about to talk about getting hired FT perm at the place he has been doing a few jobs for over the past few months.
Now, he can't do that.
While we are stressed and concerned about the bad nut, we know that this is treatable. They are almost sure it hasn't spread and will do a cat scan immediately after the surgery (well, same day) to make sure.
Testicular Cancer is very treatable, and it is rare that it comes back after it is removed.
Right now my concern is on getting him through the surgery, and immediate recovery period.
As soon as the weekend is over, I'm going to lose my shit.
That's when I'm going to start freakin over money. There is no way we can live on my salary alone. Will we lose our house? What bills aren't going to get paid? How much are we going to end up in collections? Christmas is definately cancelled.
Any and all visiting/travel, etc that I was hoping to do over the next few months is cancelled. If we started to make plans, my sincere apologies, I can't do it at all right now. I have to figure out how to pay the mortgage and keep gas in my car.
I can't even afford to go to my therapist anymore.
Sigh.
One day at a time.
I won't be blogging much over the next week, but I will post a shortie on Friday on how the surgery went and how he is doing.
Thank you everyone who took my phone calls yesterday, and the texts, tweets and DM's that I received were amazing. I am involved in one of the most amazing communities ever.
In the meantime, at least he has a good attitude about the whole thing. Except he has to train himself to say My ball itches, instead of balls. Oh well. Least of our worries.
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